Just Let Them Have Their Cry????

It’s quite a thought isn’t it: the first time we take our puppy home, we can say to ourselves - and our puppy, ‘this is your new home!’ But of course, the puppy doesn’t understand a word of that. They don’t speak your language - whatever your language is. They don’t know a thing about you - your house will smell completely alien to them…as will you - no offense.

All the ‘nice new things’ you have bought them will also smell brand new and new stuff is not going to be that comforting to this wee dog.

It’s a challenging time for your pup - and although you can keep them entertained through the day (and let’s face it, who can take their eyes off a new puppy??) there comes that dreaded moment in the evening when you and your family - and therefore puppy too - must go to bed.

Whether you are crate training or puppy pen training or whatever, a really important question is: how best to get your puppy through that first night - maybe even, few nights?

Some people are really hostile to anthropomorphising animals - but let’s not be hasty: we would not have had Peter Rabbit, or Fantastic Mr Fox without it! But, it is pretty unhelpful to anthropomorphise our dogs. They are not the same as humans - they have nowhere near the cognitive capacity of an adult human - but that doesn't mean they don’t feel things.

So let’s think it through: their mother has been there - feeding them, cleaning them and playing with them from the moment they were born. Most puppies come from litters and so have had the feel and smell and fun of siblings all of their lives.

Suddenly all those smells and feels and noises and tastes disappear and replaced by an entirely new set - none of which are familiar, none of which are comforting - yet.

So that’s the puppy. What about you? What is it you want to communicate to this wee dog? You have already shown care in choosing a good breeder; in ensuring health checks have been done on the parents. You’ll have spent a small fortune on the accoutrements needed for a dog - the bed, the bowls, the toys (the list goes on….and it always will!) The care is there. The love is there. This has not been a small step. So what do you want to communicate to your puppy on that first night? What do you want to teach it?

You have two choices: to just let them have their cry OR to show them that they can trust you - everything is going to be alright here.

Let’s look at the ‘just let them have their cry’ approach. What can we say about it? Well, I’m not going to lie: it does work. Your puppy will eventually stop crying and calling. It might take a few nights but they will stop.

Boom! First hurdle over with! Dog is settling in ok. Phew!!

Now ask yourself what can they possibly have learned? What have you started to teach them about you?

Their distress was not met with comfort from you.

In the morning the dog gets up and gets on with things - there’s a lot of new things to deal with again. They will be distracted and excited by the change in their circumstances and they will appear ok. But the lesson was: there’s no comfort from you when they are distressed.

Dr Martin Seligman, the eminent US psychologist, demonstrated that dogs learn to ‘give up’ in environments that they cannot influence. If dogs cannot escape or mitigate distress, they will literally lie down and accept pain and fear. Seligman named this behaviour learned helplessness, a term many will be familiar with.

He wasn’t studying dogs, by the way, he was just using dogs to prove the point - because he was allowed to. But in using dogs and subjecting them to situations they couldn’t control, he proved what many have observed in human populations: after x number of attempts to escape or mitigate pain, fear and distress, individuals will instead accept them - once they see that striving does not help - they have learned that they are helpless.

This is demonstrable, scientific fact - not wishy-washy anthropomorphising of animals.

But is that what you bought your puppy for??

Of course it isn’t!

So, what could you have taught them? A blow-up mattress and a sleeping bag beside their crate/ bed/ pen, your hand or arm shoved out in their direction (preferably close enough that they can snuggle-in) and you have taught them: ‘you are not alone; it’s ok, we’ve got you here - everything is going to be fine’.

How simple is that? How much better??

Your dog will need to learn to be alone. We ALL do! But they don’t need to learn it overnight. Avoiding separation anxiety is another important part of training your dog (and we’ll get to it) but learning to be alone and still feel safe is like building up a muscle - and we cannot build muscles all at once.

Dogs are social animals - that’s why we love them - the drive to connect with us is at the core of their identity. Maybe don’t leave them alone when they have never had that experience before and they are frightened?

Does that mean that someone now has to sleep in the kitchen (or wherever) for the rest of time - of course not! As your pup settles, and sees that you are there - you can be trusted - and that they are not alone, you can withdraw a little. Sleep near them but without touching them. By now, their toys and blankets will smell a bit more ‘like home’ - and they have learned that you are nearby. It may take a few nights but it won’t take forever and it won’t teach your dog to accept distress.

Before you know it, your pup will be going to bed and zonking out in full comfort that you are around and will soon be on your way back to them.

Which lesson is better? Which approach can you be proud of?

You know what to do.